Or, Go Get A Haircut, Fernando: My "Alejandro" Video Review
When I first heard Lady Gaga’s great anthem of denying herself sexy Spaniards, I expected a video that was “hot like Mexico, rejoice!” I wanted sweaty men in sunshine looking gloriously beautiful. But Lady Gaga is never one to give you what you expect, and the video for “Alejandro” doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. A nearly nine minute epic collaboration with photographer Steven Klein, the video was hyped up and pushed back almost as much as an Apple product. And now it’s here, and boy am I joyfully baffled.
Lady Gaga seems to have trapped herself in a more fabulous version of Nazi Germany, complete with awkward bowl cuts and no Latinos whatsoever.
It’s snowing, there’s a funeral, and I’m still really confused. It’s a visual feast, but maybe it went over my head. I don’t understand the storyline like I did with “Telephone.” I don’t understand the social commentary. But I thoroughly enjoy watching it, and here’s what I got from the video: some things were good, some things were bad, and some were hilarious.
The Good
Hot like Mexico, alright.
•The choreography, as usual, is amazing. Gaga knows how to coordinate her insanity, I’ll give her that. The dance to the “Alejandro” chorus is just phenomenal and I am guilty of rewinding and watching it over and over again. The opening backlit march of the naked militia was great as well.
•Gagaloo’s style is flawless. Every outfit she wears in the video is amazing. I, myself, am partial to her crazy steampunk headset in the first five minutes of the video. She’s one of the very few people that look amazing even when wearing a nude lingerie setup.
•The blasphemy. It’s a known fact that the best way to get people to talk about your video is by pissing them off. Not only does Gaga rock a nun outfit, but she swallows a rosary. And then there’s a crazy cult outfit with a stick-on cross over the vajayjay. Throw in some definite Nazi Germany references and you have a well-planned controversy on your hands.
•Lots of sex is a good way to get views, too. Woah, Gaga. I don’t think this celibacy thing is going very well. Because you definitely just dry-consummated with that awkwardly gyrating dancer. And then you had an orgy with all of them at the end. I don’t know whether to be jealous or happy I’m not in the middle of that cabinet full of bowls.
The Bad
So did ALL you guys lose the bet with that lawn mower?
•Those haircuts. Gaga, I know it’s a fashion statement, but so is having them all butt naked or beautifully tanned or with long hair or…okay, anything but those bowl cuts.
•That pansuit. Girl, you are not Madonna and aren’t forty, get that thing off.
•The ending. She burns up into something that kind of resembles the Slender Man masks from the Marble Hornets videos. I’m going to have nightmares for the rest of my life.
•Alejandro, or the guy we get lots of sad, hopeless shots of so we’ll assume he’s the one and only Ale-Ale-jandro, is as white as I am. We couldn’t get a sexy Mexican for this part? Not at all? No Antonio Banderas or Gael Garcia Bernal or anyone remotely not suburbian? Come on now.
The Hilarious
Cue Mario theme.
I can’t take anything seriously, so it’s no surprise that I was cracking up during some parts of this serious video.
•The fabulous military march that went along with the atrocious pantsuit. Are you kidding me? I about fell off my chair when these guys came out of the darkness with their model walk. You work that military regalia, boy. Own that jacket.
•Gaga, not to be a bother, but it seems that you have guns growing out of your boobs. You might want to get that checked out.
•The spike hat. It's the darker cousin of the blue shell that always pisses me off in Mario Kart. That and he looks like a sad land mine.
Tweet sized review: Confusing and beautiful, like a narwhal. With a bowl cut.
Watch the video and think for yourself.
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